I Love Larry Foote

Larry Foote was on WDFN on Tuesday and had some interesting (read: awesome) things to say about MSU. Usually I don't rip on the Sparties and I genuinely want them to be competent at their sports. I have a lot of friends that went there, and I don't hate them like OSU/ND since they never really beat us at football. No, I don't think of them as our little brother. I think of them as our retarded little brother who has to wear a helmet every time he bends down to velcro his shoes, but ends up pissing himself because in the other room a bell rang. So you know, they're cool. I feel sorry for them. But since Dantonio* came to town, and since they won it all in hockey last year, I've had a little bit of animosity in my system towards them. So I welcome Larry's comments, highlighted below:

On Sparty chanting during the recent bball game:

Don't Sparty have a skirt on? Sparty? Is it Spartina? That's the new name, Spartina. The Michigan State Spartinas.

On what he does when he runs into a MSU fan:

I see you all around with your Michigan State license plates. I blow my horn at them sometimes. I'm not going to say what else I do to them. But I get sick of their school pride, because they are our little sisters. I feel bad that you couldn't get into Michigan. Your application got lost, it got lost on the desk.

On the 2001 game and Duckett's stats and the Spartan Bob scandal:

a year before, we knocked him out of the game, so I don't know why that guy just remembered that one game. But they cheated, they shouldn't have won that game by the way, and that's why that haven't beaten us since. That was the last time, probably ever. I hope we beat them 100 years in a row.

Bless that man.

*Just to be clear: Dantonio is one of the biggest douches alive.

Not Relevant...

But worth a post nonetheless.

Tom Brady Didn't Even Play at Michigan!

Oh, wait. That's just lore.

Piggybacking off of Sean's post, why every Wolverine should root for the Pats on Sunday*.


*aside from the fact that the Pats are the greatest franchise in the history of sport, and the Giants are evil and have a Manning.

From a Purely Michigan Standpoint

Though Peabody's got the Super Bowl angle covered, I thought I'd chime in and try to see who, if you are not already a Pats or Giants fan, one should root for in terms of being a Michigan fan.

You see, I guess I'm a Lions fan. Whatever. It's an easy job - you watch the games, but you don't live and die by them like you would a UM game or a Pistons/Red Wings/Tigers game. It's the Lions, and they provide the comic relief that comes with years of low expectations. Drew Stanton in the second round? Pure hilarity! As such, I've become accustomed to picking a new team to root for come Super Bowl (or even playoff) time. Since the Lions' playing makes babies cry, I feel like I'm not betraying the team by rooting for someone else. And if no other reason strikes my fancy, my reasons usually involve which Wolverines are playing.

This year, my vested interest lies with either Tom Brady of the Pats, or veteran Amani Toomer of the NYG. Though in any other year it'd be good to see Toomer finally get his due as a great player, the pick has to be (as it has three other times) with Brady. The chance to have a Michigan Man go down as the best QB of all time outweighs all else. Plus, the Pats are just a damn good team and a joy to watch. On top of all that, how many times do Notre Dame fans cling to Joe Montana as a bragging point? Brady winning four in the much more difficult era of free agency - and going unbeaten - is far more impressive than anything Montana ever did (he was a very good system QB, but Brady has been light years better).

I don't have a natural affinity toward the Pats, but objectively I want them to win, as I always do because of Brady and how well they play as a team. Full disclosure, though: no way in hell I'd post this (or tell Peabody) if I thought otherwise. Good thing. Go Pats.

Update: Michigan aside, THIS is reason enough to root for the Pats:

Cheers, Mountaineers

Today, Rich Rodriguez extended an olive branch and told West (F**kin') Virginia he would pay for part of his buyout. That is, his unnecessarily large and probably-breached-by-both-sides buyout. Kudos. It was as if Rodriguez tipped his hat to WFVU AD Ed Pastilong and said "you and I both know this is stupid, now let's get back to me restoring Michigan and you taking your afternoon nap." Then Pastilong woke up, said "you're stupid!" and passed out again.

It was a situation that, by all accounts, is one that has gotten so bad that both sides would rather have never been involved in the first place. We've all been there - you feel dirty and used, and are left wondering how something that began so well ended up in such a shit spiral.

As it happens, their shit spiral is a nice allegory to a situation I found myself in with a WFVU student at a bar in WFV. It isn't the same magnitude, so we'll call it a fecal cyclone.

Anyway, my cyclone was the night of The Manningham Game (Penn State Version), and spirits were high. I unfortunately wasn't at the game (for which I will forever be berated by Peabody, but that's another story), but I had got to watch it on satellite TV at a campground bar in none other than West F**kin' Virginia. That day I did the only thing worth doing in the mountaineer state (other than your cousin), which is whitewater raft. Buckeye fans and Penn State fans filled the bar, save for myself and about 7 other med students, all of whom went to Michigan (not surprisingly, we were called "nerds" by some OSU fans. I can only assume they are still trying to get into Crunch Wrap Supreme Makers Union Local 475 - Youngstown). And for clarification, yes, for some reason in WFV, people go to bars at campgrounds. Whatever.

Spirits were high after the game, and we made with the drankin'. WFVU students flooded the bar (seriously!) for their school's big game that night, and I got to talking to a group of them, and eventually to one of them, a not-too-shabby brunette.

Things were going well. She was laughing at my jokes, we told stories, etc. I had a tent nearby and unlimited booze at my disposal, so I was confident. The Mountaineers scored and we did a shot with her friends. I bought her another drink and brought up the Michigan game earlier.

"I hate Michigan," she said with a straight face.

"What?" I said laughing, expecting that she was joking in that annoying way that girls try to make fun of something you care about because they think it's "flirty" (or because they want me to leave, whatever).

"I'm serious. I hate them."

"Why?"

"I dunno. I just hate how they are. Go Buckeyes!"

"Alright. You and I are done. Enjoy your drink, cheers." In my head, I finished that with "I hope you get cholera from the water down here."

And that was that. I went back and hung out with my friends, got bombed, and yelled at the one kid at my school who went to Notre Dame until my throat was sore (that day was Charlie Weis' biggest win a loss to USC).

Today, Rich Rodriguez saw things were going nowhere and finally said to Ed Pastilong "we're done, cheers."

Here's hoping Ed gets cholera.

Plaxico Burress: XLII Idiot

I think the nation has been aware for a while that Plaxico Burress isn’t going to be receiving an invitation from MENSA anytime soon. The guy who actually managed academic ineligibility at Michigan State (rumor has it he had 4 colors outside of the lines instead of the maximum 2) and once spiked a live football causing a turnover managed to trump his own stupidity this week. That’s right, Burress not only tried to tell reporters that the Giants had a better set of receivers than the Patriots, he guaranteed victory yesterday. He didn’t just guarantee victory, he gave a score:

Plaxico Burress was more than confident before the Giants left the
Meadowlands en route for a charter flight to take them to Arizona. Burress told
The Post, he sees a "23-17" victory for Big Blue.

I don’t know what’s funnier- Plax’s confidence in a Giant win, or the thought of holding the Pats to 17 points. In the Giants’ “great moral victory” over the Pats where they managed to score a garbage time TD to cut the final margin of victory to one possession, the Pats scored 38. So, in the Giants’ biggest game of the year, the one that supposedly inspired them on this great run, they gave up 38 points to New England. Yeah, I’m sure that minus the cold and wind Brady and Co. will struggle against New York.

This week is going to be great. Being able to beat a Manning for the second time in a season as well as ending Plax’s season again (much like the Pats have done twice before in the 2002 and 2005 AFC Championship Games during his Pittsburgh days) will be the icing on the 19-0 cake.

I can’t wait to see what this fool has to say at Media Day this afternoon.

Drew Stanton Follows the MSU Path...

Since I loathe and despise the Detroit Lions, I hadn't really noticed that this was officially released:

Lions hire Michigan's Scot Loeffler
Posted by Tom Kowalski
January 21, 2008 14:02PM
Categories: Breaking News
Ann Arbor News PhotoFormer Wolverines QB coach, Scot Loeffler,
will take on the same role with the Lions. Loeffler's primary responsibility
will be to develop Drew Stanton.The Lions have confirmed the hiring of former
University of Michigan quarterback coach Scot Loeffler to fill the same position
in Detroit. Loeffler, who was also linked to job openings with UCLA, Alabama and
Tennessee, will work closely with new offensive coordinator Jim Colletto and
passing coordinator Kippy Brown.

But now that I've noticed, all I can do is laugh. Props to Drew Stanton, hater of the "University of Puke." Like most other Spartans, you now report to a Michigan grad. Congrats!

Strong.

New Addition to MATW

Continuing the precedent set last summer when Kyle was brought on board, MATW has decided to expand again, in light of my increasingly weak contributions of late (school, Patriots, etc.) and Kyle's general laziness. Sean will be joining us to share the occassional thought about the Wolverines. Sean enjoys long walks on the beach, insulting inbred West Virginians and hating Notre Dame with the power of 1,000 suns.

Yahoo!

NFL Architecture

What do the Philadelphia Eagles, Baltimore Ravens, New York Giants and San Diego Chargers have in common? They all lost to the Patriots? No, not if you are a member of the media. See, what these teams all possess is something more precious than the gold in Ft. Knox…the almighty blueprint to beat the New England Patriots.

That’s right. As we head into Super Bowl week, the sports world has found its newest cliché; the all powerful blueprint to beat the Patriots. If there’s one thing we’ve all learned in the ESPN-era of sports, it’s that there needs to be a new twist to every story. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, you won’t find me complaining about the ability to watch a week-long pre-game show on NFL Network or find out exactly which Seinfeld episode is Eli Manning’s favorite (gotta be the Keith Hernandez episode, right?) But, where the ESPN-era seems to fail is in the simple appreciation of the “now” in sports. Everything has to be extrapolated out to measure the potential historic implications, the scrutiny begins from day one and more often than not, disappointment sets in when the accomplishment fails to come to fruition. Look at the 2005-06 Detroit Pistons. Their red-hot start drew comparisons to the 96 Chicago Bulls. Can the Pistons win 70 became the dominant sports story of the first half of the NBA season and when the Pistons fizzled out in the Eastern Conference Finals that season, the disappointment was higher than ever. Our sports lives are being lived in a society of hype.

Yet as quickly as the hype-machine starts revving up, the sports media begins to scrutinize and search for flaws to tear down those who are achieving. We may well witness the greatest example of this here in the next week. The Patriots destruction of the Chargers in their much-anticipated week two matchup was when America got its first taste of the undefeated season discussion. Bill Belichick was actually asked at that news conference if it was a possibility. Two games into the season. That is absurd (which mirrors Belichick’s reaction at the time.) I remember watching the 2000 St. Louis Rams, who rolled out to a 6-0 start when defending their Super Bowl title, only to limp into the playoffs at 10-6 and lose the Wild Card round. This is how desperate the networks are for these “record-chasing” stories. Yet the Patriots gave it to them. They rolled to 8-0, brutally dismantling teams. They faced the 7-0 Colts in Indianapolis in one of the most anticipated regular season games ever and were able to explode for 14 points at the end of the game in a thrilling come-from-behind victory. A 56-10 victory over Buffalo after a bye week took the Patriots to 10-0 and gave the media fuel for the newest story: Were the Patriots running the score up? This was the first negative story to emerge surrounding the team’s on-field accomplishments. It seemed petty and foolish at the time. It went away quietly when the Pats escaped Philadelphia and Baltimore with 3 point wins.

The Baltimore game started an entirely different type of Patriots story. This is when the media reached the point of “tearing down what they built up.” Speculation about how the high-flying team could perform in the face of a New England winter arose. The running game was questioned. Outstanding performances in December and January by Laurence Maroney shut that question up quickly.

Yet here we are on the brink of the Super Bowl. The Patriots are 18-0. No other team in NFL history has ever reached 18-0 in a single season. Yet over and over again, I’m hearing about this “blueprint” to beat the Patriots that the Giants somehow possess. It’s the same thing said after the Philly, Baltimore and second San Diego game. The Giants are supposed to be able to beat the Patriots because they came within three points of the upset in Week 17. Normally that would be a reasonable assumption, however a closer look at that game reveals otherwise. The Giants came out on fire. They matched the Patriots and took a slim lead into the half. A Plaxico Burress touchdown with 9 minutes to go in the third quarter gave them a 12 point lead. At that time, New England adjusted and started to roll the Giants. 22 straight points gave the Pats a 10 point lead that sealed the deal. A late NYG score made it close. The game in 9 days will be played in pristine conditions. Warm weather on a fast surface. It’s doubtful that the Arizona wind will come into play. The conditions alone favor the Patriots.

Furthermore, the almighty ‘blueprint’ to beat New England was followed by Jacksonville and San Diego the last two weeks. Basically, it consists of taking the deep ball away by rolling a safety over, and requiring short passes and a running game to beat you. While Brady played flawlessly in the Jacksonville game, against the Chargers he had quite an average outing and the Patriots still were able to win by two scores because San Diego had no way of containing Maroney. Not to mention that the Giants struggled to contain Moss in the first matchup even with safety help. Does anyone really believe that Eli Manning can match scores with Tom Brady with a championship on the line?

The thing that annoys me the most about the ‘blueprint’ is that the company the Patriots are placed with at the moment includes the 85 Bears and 89 Niners. The opponents facing those squads in the Super Bowl actually could claim to possess a blueprint to beat them…because they each had lost a game (or two!) The Patriots are unique in that all of these teams that supposedly knew and did exactly what it takes to beat them still walked away with a higher number in the right column on the standings than they had before the game. They lost! Is there a blueprint to keep the score close with New England? Perhaps. But just the simple fact alone that the media feels that simply keeping the game close is victory enough to emulate in the biggest game of the season speaks to the greatness of the Patriots. With a win next Sunday, not even the 72 Dolphins will have a blueprint on how to visit the 07 Patriots in the land of perfection at 19-0.

Shippin' Up to Boston

On my way out the door to head north(east) to watch the AFC Championship Game. I am going to taunt the shit out of that whiny bitch who wears #21 for San Diego. Watch for that nancy's press conference after the game, where he will undoubtedly rant about how he is such a classy individual, and cry about "that skinny white motherfucker in the Maroney jersey saying such awful things about me." Hop back on the stationary bike, two-one. It isn't going to be pretty Sunday. Another year, another lost season for your whiny ass.

I hate Tomlinson with the power of a thousand suns.

Go Pats!

Pats 38, Chargers 14

Again.

Enjoy the Pro Bowl, LT, you classy mofo.


(Also: Stop what you are doing and watch this:)

Occam's Razor

Occam's Razor, defined:

One should not increase, beyond what is necessary, the number of entities required to explain anything

Basically put, look for the simplest explanation, because it tends to be right.

Let's apply this to the ongoing Rich Rodriguez Shredgate controversy, shall we?

The first thing to look at in this case is the accusation. A source "within the athletic department" claims that Rodriguez engaged in a massive shredding campaign. This brave, anonymous person said:

“If a player spoke to a school or did public service, we don’t have a record of it,’’ said the source. “If he broke a rule or missed class, we don’t have a record of that, either. We don’t have anything. All the good things these kids have done over the years, there’s nothing — not a picture of somebody speaking to a class, nothing. Why would somebody do that?’’

Of course, by now we know that at least some of this is patently false.

University spokeswoman Amy Neil said the WVU Office of Admissions and Records maintains grade and attendance records in a separate location, so no student-athlete’s academic career is at risk.

“We’re not sure what records are missing, but all student records, including those of the football team, are kept within the Office of Admissions and Records,” she said. “Those records are secure.”

So the anonymous source was quite clearly lying. This, of course, makes sense. As Rodriguez himself explains:

"They're painting a picture like I'm the only one that had those files, and I threw them all away. That's not the truth. They're painting a picture like I erased all the kids' files, and that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. And anyone with any common sense that's in a Division I athletic department or football program knows the same thing."

This much is obvious. Why would all of the academic records be solely in possession of the head coach? The accusation doesn't pass the sniff test. The same can be said for booster information, financial information, and the other data that the source claimed was solely possessed by Rodriguez.

Next, let's look at motivations. Why would Rodriguez destroy all sorts of sensitive files that only he was in possession of? Possible explanations could include the desire to hide incriminating evidence of wrongdoing, or being such an overwhelming dick that he decided to screw over WVU in an unprecedented manner.

The fact that he has been squeaky clean by the NCAA tends to cast doubt on the first assumption. The second assumption seems unlikely...even the author of the initial article thinks that Rodriguez is a really good guy (though with a big ego) and unlikely to have destroyed anything damning.

On the other hand, what would WVU's motivation be for spreading a lie? Well, Rodriguez's response to their contract buyout lawsuit was due on Friday (though that has now been pushed back by the venue change). Could they benefit by making Rodriguez look bad? It's also the height of recruiting season. Could sour grapes make them want to torpedo his first class at the new school?

Put these pieces together (the source is a liar, the obvious WVU motivation to smear Rodriguez) and a conclusion seems pretty easy to get to.

Stupid is as Stupid Does

I can't even make this shit up.

Classy San Diego

I was lucky enough to get a ticket to the AFC Championship Game this Sunday. So, I'll be sitting in the frigid Foxborough air heckling the shit out of the ClassyOne, LaDainian himself. I think the Pats need to remember that it's perfectly OK to beat the living piss out of San Diego, but whatever they do they better not "DO DA DANCE SHAWNE MERRIMAN IS KNOWN FOR." So there you have it.

Of course, this is all contingent on the ClassyOne even playing. In the biggest game of his team's season thusfar, the ClassyOne was sitting on the bench doing his best Mateen Cleaves impression because of a "sore knee." Of course, given his laughable playoff performance last week, that may have been a good thing for the Chargers.

Another One Bites the Dust

T Brady 26/28 92.9% 262yds 3 TD 0 INT

Lesser of Two Evils

What started on August 30th with a Rutgers beat down of Buffalo ends tonight when LSU and OSU meet in New Orleans to determine the national championship.

As we prepare to bid adieu to college football for another 9 months, it's worth taking a moment to consider the grander implications of tonight's tilt.

If LSU should prevail, we are doomed to another year of talk about SEC supremacy. No matter how the game is won, it will simply be chalked up to speed. The media myth will be further fueled, and there will be no escaping the SEC love fest.

To make it worse, these declarations of southern dominance will all come with a comparison to the plodding, stuck-in-the-70's Big Ten. The thought of enduring another year of this lazy analysis is enough to make my stomach turn.

Additionally, as Michigan fans, we will undoubtedly be subject to questions about why we couldn't land this national championship caliber, Buckeye-thwarting coach.

On the other hand, the Buckeyes could pull out a victory, giving our slack-jawed yokel neighbors their second national championship and fourth BCS win under Tressel.

This would undoubtedly lead to more talk about how the balance of power in the conference has shifted to Ohio. It would make recruiting more difficult, and generally lead to even more insufferable Buckeye fans.

There is no good outcome here.

Drew Sharp seems to believe that Michigan fans will pull for OSU in order to silence the SEC mafia.

Drew Sharp apparently hasn't met many Michigan fans in his life.

This game is quite simply a no win for Michigan. However, if forced to choose between hearing about the greatness of the SEC or the greatness of OSU is, I'll take the SEC. After all, Michigan at least has a defense against the constant talk about southern speed and superiority. The Wolverines are 6-1 against the conference in the BCS era, including 5-1 in bowl games. Last week's head turning victory over the Gators provides Michigan the insulation needed to fend off the critics.

So, as the sport that brings us so much joy prepares to go into hibernation until next fall, join me in cheering on the Tigers. Because really, there is no amount of annoying punditry that can be worse than another Buckeye title.

PWNT

Dear Ohio: Your son has just become your daddy's daddy. We're all one big happy southern family now.

Keeping the Faith

I wish I could chalk it up to the booze. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach could be easily explained by what Waylon Smithers once termed "{my} truly heroic intake of cocktails." Various vodkas and rums and gins and beers could quite plausibly be the reason for the stomach flutters.

The truth, however, is far less likely to go away with a greasy breakfast and a gallon of ice water.

Conventional wisdom holds that Florida is going to roll Michigan today. Pick any reason you want...Florida's strengths coincide perfectly with Michigan's weaknesses, Michigan is in shutdown mode, Florida has a coaching edge, Michigan's talent doesn't match up. There are lots of reasons to believe that America is right in it's prediction of a Florida romp.

But I'm an optimist*. I've been looking at this matchup for days now, trying to figure out why I still believe that Michigan has a chance.

I came up with three things:
1) Last year, Ohio State rolled into the national title game confident of an easy victory. Troy Smith got fat and lazy on the postseason award banquet circuit. This year, it's been Tim Tebow piling up awards and spending time away from the weight room and practice field. That can breed rust, and give Michigan a shot.

Yes, I did just spin the fact that Tebow won every award for great play as a positive for Michigan. My mind works in odd ways.

2) Michigan's offense has the potential to score. This team moves on the back of Mike Hart, who appears to be healthy for the first time in a while. If he can get through the line and fight for yards, the passing lanes will open up. Let's not forget that there is a lot of talent at the skill positions. Manningham and Arrington have all the potential in the world to move the chains and break big plays. If Henne is functionally one-armed, then there is no chance. However, if he can even play a decent game, Michigan can score points.

3) Ohio State was a mortal lock last year. USC was the greatest team ever in 2005. The Hurricanes were going to blow the Buckeyes off the map in 2002. There were even a few upsets this season (you may have read about them).

These games happen when a team believes its own hype and completely overlooks its opponent. The ingredients are here.

Is it a longshot? Of course. But if this season taught us nothing else, it's that every team has a chance. Michigan can win this game. It will take discipline, effort, and a little bit of luck.

If you'll pardon me, I think a red bull & vodka may help settle my stomach. It will certainly help me to continue to have faith today.


*No I'm not, but I feel irrationally excited about this game. I think I had some tainted barbecue last night.