Friday, March 27, 2009

Dan Gilbert is Still Short

MATW has to break form for a moment, to laugh and mock Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert. Dan Gilbert allegedly got in a fight with David Hall (formerly of Rock Financial, a Gilbert-owned subsidiary of Quicken Loans.) This is hilarious on a number of levels, but it can only get better if it ends up with Gilbert fighting the law and the law winning.

Gilbert and his spokesman declined to comment on the fight. They also did not comment on Gilbert's inability to ride The Magnum.

Cavs owner Gilbert investigated for role in hotel scuffle near Detroit

DETROIT (AP) -- Police are investigating an altercation between Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert and a former executive of his mortgage company at a suburban Detroit hotel.
Birmingham police Chief Richard Patterson said on Friday it involved Gilbert and David Hall, a one-time senior vice president at Rock Financial.

Patterson says the "simple altercation" occurred during an event on March 21 at the Townsend Hotel.

Gilbert did not immediately respond to an e-mail seeking comment. A company spokeswoman declined to comment. The Associated Press also sent an e-mail to Hall on Friday seeking comment.

Rock Financial is part of Livonia-based Quicken Loans Inc., of which Gilbert is chair and founder.
Copyright 2009 Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.


Maybe if you buy Cedar Point they'll let you on?

Hey, Obama

Why couldn't you have deployed Volkening overseas, say, about 6 hours ago?

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Michigan Creates the Worst Shirt Ever

The 2009 Michigan student t-shirt design is out now. The front bears a fairly cool slogan, "All In For Michigan" and a good design. The back, however, is an abortion. It contains a "pledge" that does nothing but stand as an affirmation that anyone who wears it on the road will get mocked endlessly. MATW has decided to make our own pledge.

"I pledge to not spend a dime on this shirt, to show up to every game not because words on the back of a shirt tell me too, rather because I'm a fan of the team and football is fun. I promise to focus my energy and attention on supporting my team on the field and not at mocking 15,000 of New Jersey's finest who show up mid-way through the first quarter after a morning of drinking on Hill Street wearing a yellow shirt with a pledge declaring their support for the team on the back. I will do all of this because I am....Not a Douchebag."



The back of this shirt is a scrambled fetus.




Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Next Year

Is gonna be kinda awesome.

Justin Turner:
















Denard:











Hell, even Big Will will rumble in for six...

NFL Gets it Right

The NFL finally did something- albeit a year late- to correct the horrible injustice that left the league's most valuable assets open to cheap shots from defensive players on the ground. The new "Brady Rule" will protect QBs in the future from shots to their knees. Of course, now that no one can take out the QB's knees, this is also a de facto rule preventing teams other than the Patriots from winning the Super Bowl.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Dear Oohi:

SUCK IT! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Friday, March 20, 2009

A lot.

So, with the wonders that are teh interwebs, I can see who logs on to the site and how they found the site. So, for example, if someone Googles "LaMarr Woodley," this site generally comes up quite a bit. If they click the link, I can see how they got to the site, and click to see what their Google search terms were. Sometimes this leads to generally hilarious searches, sometimes downright creepy.

For today's winner, I'll go ahead and answer your question as a modern day "Ask Jeeves:" A lot. A lot.

Robert Morris: A Great American Hero

While we here at MATW are certainly reveling in the afterglow of a Michigan basketball tourney win, before moving on to round two of the tourney or enjoying day two of round one, we would like to take a moment and address a serious subject. It was brought to our attention by a friend named Mike that in today's current economic climate, we should spend a day or so honoring one of the pillars of our financial system and a man who played a large role in America's independence.


Robert Morris was a man of wealth and integrity in Philadelphia during the
revolutionary period. though not a scholar or a soldier, he was to play an
essential role in the success of the War against England, and in placing the new United States on a firm footing in the world. Morris, almost single handed, saw to the financing of the Revolutionary War, and the establishment of the Bank of the United States after....

During the Revolutionary War, in December 1776, Morris stayed in Philadelphia when the rest of Congress left for Baltimore. He paid $10,000 to pay Washington’s troops. This helped to keep the Army together just before the battles of Trenton and Princeton. He subsequently paid from his own funds the troops via Morris notes to continue Washington's ability to wage war. ...

Morris's portrait appeared on US $1000 notes from 1862 to 1863 and on the $10 silver certificates from 1878 to 1880. Along with Alexander Hamilton and Albert Gallatin, Morris is considered one of the key founders of the financial system in the United States. Morris and Roger Sherman were the only two people to sign the three significant founding documents of the United States, the Declaration ofIndependence, the Articles of Confederation, and the U.S. Constitution....

The Dollar Sign ("$") was in common use among private merchants during the middle of the 18 century. It referred to the Spanish Milled Dollar, which predated the U.S. Dollar. Morris was the first to use that symbol in official documents and in official communications with Oliver Pollock. Much later it was used as the symbol for the U.S. Dollar, even though that currency was only loosely based on the Spanish coin.

Mike clearly was on to something. It would be a shame to let such a great American hero go largely unnoticed, so we solicited the help of some friends to brainstorm ideas on how to honor Mr. Morris, grabbed some cigars, a few beers and headed outside to enjoy the warm weather and some privacy behind the garage. We discovered that this founding father had a university named after him, which is quite an honor. But, one thing about universities is that sometimes there tends to be childish rivalries between schools and desecration of a school's honor by rivals and opponents. We certainly feel that for such an American hero as Robert Morris, this would be highly inappropriate, so we've decided that anyone opposing a school dedicated to preserving the honor of Mr. Morris is pretty much a terrorist and should head back to the old country to live under the reign of the tyrant King George.

As glorious as the honor of a university is, we felt that there just needed to be more out there devoted to the rememberance of this great individual and everything that has descended from him in perpetuity. We decided that Mr. Morris certainly needed a day of honor and celebration and that there was no better day than today, March 20. So with that, on this day, we will be celebrating Robert Morris the man, and his legacy, to the fullest extent, and will do anything and everything to show our love and appreciation for this great man. Anyone who does not fall in line clearly needs to be added to the list of suspected communist pedophiles. Such a great day deserves a great and unique name to set it apart from the other holidays honoring lesser men of American independence. Therefore, we present to you March 20: Robert, I Owe Thee Day, or abbreviated, R.I.O.T. Day. While fireworks and holiday lights are somewhat played out, perhaps a unique visual representation of this holiday could be the burning couch in the midnight sky?


May all things come up Robert Morris on March 20.

EDIT: It appears as though R.I.O.T. Day is an overwhelming success in Chicago. This message was passed along to MATW from our Windy City correspondent: "Thanks to everyone for your support of R.I.O.T. Day. This looks to be just as successful as when we honored patriot and statesman George Mason for his importance in the creation of the Bill of Rights. We celebrated the legacy of George Mason on 3/17/06 by distributing leaflets to everyone at the bar which listed the virtues of this great man and his colleagues in the creation of the Bill of Rights. At the top of the letterhead, we printed 'These Heroes I Name', and we distributed these T.H.I.N. Letters to everyone we saw that day. It was a glorious event."

Thursday, March 19, 2009

About Time!

Good job, boys. 5 more to go.

Great Moments in Clemson History

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Obama Picks Clemson

It is cool when a President makes March Madness picks. He's just like us! He likes sports too!

But when a President makes such an obvious error in judgment it makes you want to grab the launch codes from him, start the next election cycle, and let the ghost of Gerald Ford (in a Michigan shirt) do the rest of the "presidenting" for the next 3+ years. Peabody and I now agree that Obama has made a serious mistake, and frankly, he will have to make up for this to win back some approval from MATW. Like help us recruit Lo Wood or something. We'll figure out the punishment later. The point is: how can we trust this guy with the economy if he can't understand that Michigan is awesome and Clemson is the worst team ever in the history of the world?

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Dance, Baby!

FUCK Clemson.




Also, a jolly HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA to the Penn State NITtany Lions.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Grammy

I'm not a big music person, but it's clear that the 2010 Grammys are over with. There's no need to put out any other music, because The Hoody has that shit locked up. He'd probably go down as better than The Beatles if it weren't for that tub of goo next to him screwing it up.

Friday, March 13, 2009

I'm Old!

I'm officially old at age 28. Here I thought I was all cool and shit with a blog. Shit, I can even put the YouTubes on here and relive moments from when Michigan was good at football (although, we still own Penn State.) But now ol' DickRod went and got himself something called a "Twitter." I don't know what the hell it is, but here you go. The DickRod Twitter. I'll remember to bump this in late November when it says "Damn, beating Ohio is FUN!"

http://twitter.com/UM_CoachRod

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Zubaz Thursday














Wednesday, March 11, 2009

NFL Goofus & Gallant

Goofus and Gallant was the first thing I thought of when I read these back to back paragraphs in Peter King's column:

"Goofus squanders his draft picks on high priced free agents and big name players without first determining if they are even a good fit for his team."

• Because of the failure of the Jason Taylor deal, the Redskins pick once in the first 75 picks -- at 13. They don't pick again until 79.


"Gallant always has a variety of assets available on draft day because of savvy management and a culture of winning."

• I expect New England to get a third-round compensatory pick because of the loss of prime free-agent Asante Samuel. That would give the rich-get-richer Pats a league-high six picks in the top 100. They already have Nos. 23, 34, 47, 58 and 89. New England could be a prime player to move one of those second-rounders for some team's first-round pick in 2010.




*Note: Jason Taylor is sweet. But was a horrible fit for the Redskins.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

WonderBoner!

A Michigan cameo we all can be proud of:


Plus a bonus video just because it is awesome.

The Duckboats are on Their Way

CUE THE MOTHERFUCKIN' DUCKBOATS!!!!

First Springs...now Bodden? Amazing. It's time to get those ring fingers sized, gentleman. Bling #4 is about 11 months away. What luck for Bodden! After spending a year raw-doggin' Janeane Garafalo in Detroit, he's coming to Foxborough where everynight is like motorboatin' Scarlett Johannsson!

Bodden, Springs, Hobbs, Wheatley, Wilhite at corner...Meriweather and Sanders at safety...THAT is how you reload a secondary. This is why New England is the best run franchise in sports, folks.

19-0, boys. NINETEEN. AND. OH.


(Note to idiots who say: "OMFG!!!HAHAHEGOTCUTBYDETROIT!! THEYWERE0-16!!! ALLTHEIRPLAYERSARETEHSUCK!!!"- Salary cap casualties are not true "cuts." This dude is rock solid and is a top level NFL corner.)

Monday, March 09, 2009

TO to Buffalo

Saturday evening I was sitting at home, relaxing on the couch and watching some NFL Network. They were replaying the Bills-TitansOilers comeback game. I found it amusing to watch, remembering back when Buffalo was relevant. When what should catch my eyes at the bottom of the screen? None other than "Bills Sign Terrell Owens." That about did it for me, I spilled my soda all over my shirt, fell off of the couch and was immediately mauled by the dogs who had mistaken my laughing either for dying or for a seizure. When I regained my composure, I immediately made a note to myself to make the drive to Buffalo again for that first Patriots-Bills matchup. I mean, this "TO-Buffalo" thing certainly doesn't have the potential of going wrong, right? Bad quarterback, crummy team, worst city in the United States not named Gary, IN or Columbus, OH, and feet of snow.

I can see it now...I'll be sitting in the bleachers at Ralph Wilson Stadium, in the middle of nowhere in the most depressing NFL city. The Patriots will be up by about 40 points, Brady will have hit Randy Moss for about a buck fifty and three TDs. They'll be joking on the sidelines, I'll be living it up in the bleachers (again) surrounded by bitter, angry BillFan (who gets credit for showing up and staying until it is over.) "The Original 81", who at this point will have about 3 catches for 26 yards, will sprint down the sideline and watch Trent Edwards loft another ball over his head. That likely will be the end. The sideline drama will make Donovan McNabb-TO look like a Paris Hilton flick. My only hope is that when I film the meltdown on my camera phone for some YouTube hilarity, the Pats aren't penalized any draft picks.
Yeah, this season will be fun. Thanks, Buffalo!

Nothing could go wrong here...

Off-Season Report

MATW is back after a brief hiatus. Learnin’ the law combined with a time-consuming project for work limited my ability to post, which combined with Sean running around the globe trying to find that pesky Carmen Sandiego and Kyle being, while, the non-blogging slacker that he is led to a dead spot for us here in the waning days of the winter. This is substantial, because while most football-centric blogs would think of this as a “dead” period, it’s one of my favorite times of the year.

The NFL trumps college football as my favorite game, and the two mesh together in the awesomeness that is the NFL Combine and the weeks leading up to the NFL Draft. In any other context, a guy may be leery tuning the television in on groups of men in tights running, lifting and sweatin’ it up on television. When it is the combine, however, that shit is just awesome. Add in the first hectic week of free agency, and it is late winter gold. The draft is a topic for several other columns. For now, it’s time to focus on the current status of the Patriots after some exciting moves were made, and why the Duckboats should be on stand by.

The Patriots pulled the trigger on the move everyone was waiting for…the Matt Cassel trade. The reaction was collective shock by the NFL community, who did a double-take when finding out that (1) Mike Vrabel was included in the deal and (2) the Patriots netted only a 2nd round pick in return. At face value, the trade seems difficult to digest. But when examined closer, it makes a heck of a lot of sense and once again shows why the New England front office is the best in all of sports.

The first component of the trade is the Cassel piece. Cassel was franchised, meaning that his signing a free-agent contract with another team would’ve netter two first round picks for the Pats. He signed the $14M tender in record time, though, eliminating that concern and placing the onus on the Pats to find a trade partner. In the interim, that was $14M in tied up cap space for Cassel and combined with Tom Brady, there was roughly $29M in total cap space allocated for the QB position. That isn’t smart business for a team needing cap room to make a couple of moves to remain dominant. The ceiling for Cassel in a trade seemed to be a first and a second round pick. Realistically in the market, a first round pick seemed more logical. With that said, what the Patriots received was equally as good. Why? Well, when applying the franchise tag to Cassel, the Pats had a thought process that was likely: (1) we tag him with the intent to keep him in case the sky falls (i.e., Brady is not healthy); (2) we tag him to control where he goes (i.e., Eff you, Jets) and receive compensation; (3) we tag him because if we don’t, he walks for free and we wait for a 2010 compensatory pick, likely in the 3rd round. With that in mind, we all know that Brady is coming back to dominate the NFL again. So, not only is option #1 shot, with it goes the leverage of saying “yeah, we’ll just keep him.” No one thought it was realistic for the Pats to keep $29M in QB salary. The market was lighter than anticipated, but rumors have the Patriots turning down first round picks from Detroit or Tampa that would’ve seen Cassel end up in Denver. Why turn down a better draft pick? Maybe the team sees Denver with Cassel (and Josh McDaniels) as a realistic threat while Kansas City is not. Is that worth 290 Dallas Chart draft points (the difference between Detroit’s #20 and the #34 the Pats got from KC)? On top of that, there’s the monetary consideration. When I first learned of the trade, I gasped, thinking the Pats received the #3 overall pick from Kansas City. I let out a sigh of relief when I found out it was the #34. Why? Peter King from SI did a good job breaking it down, but essentially the Pats now own 4 first-day picks in the draft (23, 34, 47, 58). Those four picks alone can be had for less money than last year’s #8 overall player (Derrick Harvey) made. The NFL’s rookie salary structure would be crippling to a team like the Patriots, especially in a year with no significant top-end talent. A player available at #3 wouldn’t provide as much value as 4 picks in the top two rounds, which traditionally are NFL-ready players. On top of that, what the Patriots basically did in turning a 7th round pick in 2005 (Cassel) who many thought would be cut at the end of training camp in August into the third pick of the second round is even more impressive considering the option of not franchising him at all. Had they just let him walk, he would’ve signed elsewhere (likely with the Jets) and the team would’ve received a compensatory pick, likely in round three. The compensatory picks are at the end of the round, so essentially it is a high fourth rounder. In comparison, the #34 overall pick is a de facto first round pick, meaning the team not only got $14M off the books as quickly as possible, they did so without losing out on any desirable free agents because their hands were tied with Cassel money, and also controlled where Cassel went and received what amounts to a compensatory first round pick in 2009, a year early. That is Great Management 101.

The part of the deal many Pats fans have trouble wrapping their heads around is the Vrabel move. Another move that makes the utmost of sense when closely examined. The ill-informed may say that Vrabel was a “throw-in” in order to entice the Chiefs to make the deal. After all, his versatility and leadership are qualities highly valued by Bill Belichick. However, Vrabel had a $5M cap charge for 2009. On top of that, he was due a $1M roster bonus. He also isn’t getting any younger, and has seen his play decline. While he certainly has more in the tank than say a Tedy Bruschi, this blogger has seen a significant decline in his play since the injury to Rosevelt Colvin in November of 2007. Vrabel wasn’t the same player for the rest of that season without Colvin in the lineup and had a disappointing 2008. While he was able to provide a decent pass rush and certainly has 1-2 years of good football left, this team is a championship contender and has more pressing roster needs to devote resources too, aging linebackers not being one of those needs. So, it’s plausible that Vrabel was going to be cut. In trading him to KC, the team gets to relieve themselves of about $4M in cap space and $3.3M in “real” money (his $2.3M base salary and that $1M roster bonus), Pioli gets a leader in the locker room who has some good football left, Belichick gets more money to bring in players who can put the 4th ring on his finger while ensuring a good player doesn’t end up on a team threatening the Pats, and Vrabel gets his money (had he been cut, he would likely have ended up being paid significantly less on the open market.)

The question then becomes, what do the Patriots do with this newly acquired cap space? They made a splash immediately with the signing of Fred Taylor to bolster the backfield and add about 100 carries. The addition of former Jets TE Chris Baker gives that strong blocking force on the end of the line that Kyle Brady provided in 2007. Bringing Greg Lewis in from Philadelphia is a move that could match Jabar Gaffney’s production from the #3 WR spot as well as soften the blow on special teams from Kelley Washington’s departure. Signing Shawn Springs gives the team a solid veteran presence to mentor a couple of young corners (Wheatley/Wilhite) and teamed with Ellis Hobbs shores up that #2 corner spot that had been a weakness all of last season (whether Hobbs or Springs is CB1, this position is now one of strength.) Finally, the team needs to make priority #1 signing Vince Wilfork to an extension. They can’t afford to let him hit the open market in 2010, especially with an uncapped season looming. Defensively, the re-signing of James Sanders gives the Patriots consistency in the defensive backfield with Sanders and Brandon Meriweather (an up and coming star) manning the two safety positions. No word yet on Rodney Harrison’s possible return, which at this point could only add depth.

The “weak spot” on the roster appears to be that OLB spot vacated by Vrabel. While Pierre Woods seems able to step into that spot full-time (or possible Shawn Crable, although at this point he would be more of a pass rush specialist who probably hasn’t yet mastered the defense well enough to be any more versatile) after showing flashes of brilliance from time to time. It’s also a possibility that free agent Jason Taylor could be signed. Taylor is an older player but one who could be an impact player for a year or possibly two in this system. Bill Belichick loves the guy, and Tom Brady has long considered him the best defensive player in the league. This would be a quick fix and would likely be accompanied by (cuing the duckboats and) the drafting of a young linebacker on day one. Another possibility is to trade for Carolina’s Julius Peppers, although it seems like a long shot given what he will likely command from a salary standpoint.

Regardless of the moves from here on out, 2009 looks bright for the Patriots.