Profiles in Heroism: an Inanimate Carbon Rod

Note: obviously a parody of the coaching stuff Mgoblog did when we looked around a couple years ago.

An inanimate carbon rod has had a pretty good run. For one, it saved the day for Homer when they needed to keep the space shuttle's door shut during reentry. And for another, it was never outcoached by Ron Zook twice and never lost to Toledo.

It also would probably be well-liked by the old-school Michigan Men, because of it's demeanor.

Xs and Os Proficiency: We can use it to mash 'X' on the Super Nintento controller to call the dive over the O-Line, thereby ensuring we can get a f**king touchdown on 1st and goal from the one.

Recruiting: Being on the cover of Time Magazine gets you a lot. And it's not like it's hard to recruit a guy like Ricardo Miller, who freaking moved to Ann Arbor because he simply loved the Wolverines. Plus, coordinators and position coaches do this stuff anyway.

Side note: Ricardo, you're the man.

Potential Catches: it isn't very charismatic, so the media won't like it. But what does that change? If anything, maybe a little Lloydface to the Freep would be nice.

Also, it doesn't have a red wristband to call plays from the sideline, like being in the shotgun on first and goal from the two (Penn State game in which we didn't score a touchdown there). So this is a draw.

Relative Compensation: 10 bucks? Less?

Would He Take The Job? If not, then we can just make another one out of a bike.

Overall Attractiveness: High. There is no reason to believe that the rod would field a team that is worse than 105th in turnover margin. It also wouldn't get annihilated by a Purdue team starting a running back at QB, or a Notre Dame team that starts a true-Sophomore Jimmy Clausen (seriously?).

And "Hold the Rope" can be "Hold the Rod," which would excite a lot of people.

I like this idea. I think also that the rod would go back to Michigan Replay, not this Thursday shit we're getting now.