WE OWN! PENN STATE! (Take 5)

Death, Taxes, and Michigan over Penn State. This is the fifth revision of an article we wrote in the infancy of the site, but we’ve again decided to keep the arrogance alive and pile on the inferiority-driven Nittany Lion faithful who love to frequent our blog, and provide some revised, concrete proof of the dominance Michigan has over Penn State.

First, the most telling number is 13. As in it has been 13 years since Penn State won a game in Ann Arbor. To put that into perspective, Penn State superback Evan Royster was nine the last time Michigan dropped a game to Penn State in the Big House, and Royster has seen Penn State win exactly once since then. So, since that last PSU win at Michigan, the teams have played 10 times (sadly, the Big Ten rotated the annual PSU win off of Michigan's schedule in 2003 and 2004, replacing them with more challenging games against teams like Northwestern and Indiana). Obviously Michigan has won 9 out of 10, but the amazing thing is the dominance we've displayed in doing so.

The cumulative score over those games has been Michigan 247, PSU 160. We've outscored the hapless pussies by 87 points, and the average margin of victory has been 24.7-16. Keep in mind, that includes an asterisk-worthy 46-17 pasting that PSU layed on Michigan in the dark days of the “Threet-and-Out” and “Sheri-done” seasonthatneverhappened! Excluding this statistical outlier, Michigan is beating Penn State by a greater margin than the Nits are even scoring. Not to mention we've twice humiliated Penn State through shutouts (1998 27-0 in Ann Arbor, and 20-0 in 2001 in the Big House East.) Plus, Judgment Day was essentially a shutout, as our players were relaxing with a cool 34-0 lead when Curtis Enis put the Nits on the board in 1997. This has been complete and utter domination. Hell, even NORTHWESTERN has put up a better fight against us.

So, perhaps PSU is a good program who just struggles against 1 opponent. It happens, right? (Bobby Bowden v. Miami, etc.) Well, sadly, that is not the case here. While we all know about Michigan's hardware since that last PSU defeat- 5 Big Ten titles, a National Title, 4 Rose Bowls, an Orange Bowl, 11 straight bowl games (compiling an NCAA record for consecutive bowls), PSU has managed an wholly unimpressive 2 shared Big Ten titles (2005, 2008), 8 bowls (2 BCS games), and is on a good-for-them 4 year bowl streak.

Despite theseasonthatneverhappened, Michigan also has the nation's 10th best record since that last PSU win in Ann Arbor, compiling a 108-41 record, winning at a 72.48% clip, while the Nits have huffed and puffed their way to a tie for the 23rd best record in the nation at 94-53, good for a 63.94% winning percentage. In conference, things get worse for our friends in Not-so Happy Valley. Michigan (despite the seasonthatneverhappened) leads the way, with an astounding 73-23 record and an 81.2% Big Ten winning percentage. The Nits are holding off Purdue to stay in the top half of the conference with a 55-41 record, and a decidedly average 68.8% winning percentage.

So we've got an insane amount of dominance, and we haven't even (nor will we, lest the suicide rate at University Park increase exponentially) mentioned All-Americans, All-Big Ten players, and NFL draft picks.

But, we will laugh at the most embarrassing thing for our Penn State friends. We all know Michigan had the longest current streak without having a losing season until the seasonthatneverhappened (it had been since 1967! 40 years!) Penn State however, has had losing seasons 4 out of the last 9 years. Not just losing seasons, terrible losing seasons. 5-7, 5-6, 3-9 (pennstate’sseasonthatneverhappened?) and 4-7. Damn, that is just shitty.

So, there you have it. Starting with Judgment Day and most recently with Chad Henne, Mike Hart, and the Michigan D knocking out both the hopes and dreams of Penn State fans and their quarterbacks, Michigan has established ownership over Penn State in every conceivable way. It really makes me feel good to know that if need be, and the U is running short on cash (not likely to happen, since Michigan is the 2nd most profitable athletic department in the nation) they can always put Penn State's football team up on eBay- Because it is property of the University of Michigan. Enjoy the statistical outlier that was 2008, Penn State fans. Enjoy it while you’ve still got it.