Profiles in Heroism: Brian Kelly

Note: obviously a parody of the stuff Mgoblog did in the first coaching search.

Brian Kelly has been Cinncinati's coach for three seasons, installing his spread offense in, oh, one game (when he took over for Mark Dantonio for the 2006 International Bowl). Since then, he lead the Bearcats to their first 10-win season in 59 years and currently has them unbeaten and on track for a possible national title game. Meanwhile, Rich Rodriguez has been outcoached by Ron Zook. Twice.

While at Grand Vally State University, he won two national titles to close out his tenure. He was then the head coach at Central Michigan, leading them to their first winning season in seven years and then a MAC championship. He is good. And he is available.

Also, Rich Rodriguez has won three times in the Big Ten in nearly two seasons.

Xs and Os Proficiency: Like I said, it took him one f**king game to install his offense from Dantonio's dinosaur run-run-pass-punt offense. He uses whatever f**king quarterback he wants (Tony Pike???) and absolutely manhandles teams. He has won at every level, and his players don't fumble punts every game.

Also, his defense doesn't use some cutesy spread-defense 3-3-5 deathbackers AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHH I'M VOMITTING!! He also doesn't play walkons, because he wasn't one himself, unlike RichRod. He would play a scholarship player who is comparable to the walkon, because the ceiling for J.B. Fitzgerald is higher than that of Kevin Leach AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHH I'M VOMITTING!!

Recruiting: Blah blah blah we're Michigan. We'll get someone. Also, Brian Kelly might possibly be a cocky asshole. This usually nets recruits (see: every coach in the SEC). Also also, look at our class this year. Weeeeeeeeeee!

Potential Catches: Well, he won't get outcoached by Zook, so he already has a leg up. Maybe he wouldn't come? Or he'd be a jerk to some of the blue hairs? Would anyone care?

Relative Compensation: Sell the UofM Hospital System and pay him one billion dollars.

Would He Take The Job? It's either us or Colorado if we act now.

Overall Attractiveness: Northwestern can hang with a Penn State team that has beaten the crap out of us twice in a row. Illinois has manhandled us twice in a row. We escaped against Indiana and Notre Dame, and have no hope against Ohio State. Oh, and a tool at Michigan State has outcoached RichRod twice in a row. Twice! Dantonio! We're on pace to MAYBE eke out a bowl game appearance in Detroit in which we will be annihilated by Central Michigan, who, ironically, is using the players Kelly first recruited.

So, yeah, he is an attractive option.