DEFCON-2: The Aftermath

This is what we trained for, people. When we went 7-5 on 2005 and lost to Minnesota, we here at MATW discussed what we would do in the inevitable Doomsday Scenario of us losing to even worse teams. In 2007, we were faced with this situation from the first game of the season. Measures were taken. Effective immediately, MATW jumped into DEFCON-2; t-shirts were burned (quietly and controlled on a grill, not like a couch in Columbus), we analyzed the rest of the season in a measured tone, we posted pictures of explosions, and in general responded to the situation. Soon after the Appalachian State game, we went into full-on attack mode against Penn State. This worked well, and the season sort of got back on track.

Well, folks, we're back at DEFCON-2. It's time to take action. Before laying out the plan for MATW, a brief explanation of the DEFCON system:

DEFCON-5: Offseason, any time after a win with no impending tough game, any successful run for the team.
DEFCON-4: A loss to a respectable team, inexplicable loss of key player(s)
DEFCON-3: A loss to a non-respectable team (such as Minnesota, MSU, and recently, Notre Dame), or the inability to find a head coach. Also, the week leading up to Ohio State is always DEFCON-3.
DEFCON-2: A completely and utterly embarrassing loss to a non-respectable team
DEFCON-1: Ann Arbor is engulfed into a black hole, Rich Rodriguez arraigned on child molestation charges, Jim Tressel elected to congress

So you see just how grave the situation is. This is only the second time we've been at this level of defense. So what can we do? In an effort to assuage the fears and anxieties of Michigan fans, we at MATW introduce The Toledo Plan. It's content:

1. Effective immediately, Penn State will be trashed until our keyboards are broken. There are multiple reasons for this. First, it is the next game on the schedule and we at Michigan Against the World have become known for bashing Penn State. We will continue to do this. Second, the outlook is looking grim at this point for the game; this may be the last time for a year that we get to do this. Thirdly, we must persevere and keep our heads up. We're Michigan in our biggest transition ever; it'll be OK. And lastly, because it's fun.

2. "We Challenge You to a Duel" will continue as scheduled. Michigan has never won when this ongoing series had a post, but I'm skeptical about this being a jinx. For one, Peabody didn't type it. Also, WCYTAD did predict a Notre Dame win.

3. Along those lines, we are aware that MATW has a rich history of jinxing Michigan. The name of the blog itself puts Michigan on the line, and we understand this. But it has become our niche to rile up the adversarial blogosphere, and we will continue to do this (with the WLA doing a stupendous job of disseminating information about our team to the masses/opposition). The only jinx that did not hold were the famous "Lamarr Woodley Kills People" shirts. Hell, Peabody even jinxed Ted Freaking Kennedy. All said, we will begin repenting to The Football Gods for our hubris stemming from the infamous shirts. How? We propose a three-pronged attack:

a. We will make sure to always do our traditional Yukon Jack toast at tailgates. At every tailgate we get a person who has never read the back of the bottle to recite the text. This tradition has waned in recent years, but it WAS brought back for the Wisconsin game. When this was done with more frequency in the early part of the century/late nineties, Michigan was much more successful.
b. We will promote a player on the team, a la Lamarr. TBD.
c. MATW, specifically Peabody, will be making a road trip to Happy Valley this week. The Football Gods love traveling with the team, I think. I expect DP to brave the boos and curses from the crowd just as Lieutenant Dan braved the squall in "Forrest Gump." He got shrimp. We might get our season back on track.Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know when your team will lose to f**king Toledo

4. Despite the injury to Tom Brady, we will continue our posts on why the Patriots are great. We need something positive in our lives, even if they will lose to teams they shouldn't normally. Any hilarity involving rival alums like Brady Quinn or - pick one - an OSU player will be noted.

5. Further policies will be advertised.

So there you have it. This is no ordinary season, and this calls for us to stay together, folks. To paraphrase Alexander Dumas, one must experience the depths of despair in order to know the heights of felicity. And to directly quote Wesley Snipes regarding Penn State football: "some muthafucker's always trying to ice skate uphill."

Bring it on, squall. Let's kick this off: