We Challenge You to a Duel: Utah

Utah is a state located somewhere between New Jersey and Hawaii, but nobody has ever been able to pinpoint it's exact location. In 1984, it was discovered that a football team existed somewhere within the boundaries, called Brigham Young University. Hell if anybody in Michigan had heard of them, but they up and beat us in a weird, messed up display of macabre by The Football Gods. Jamie Morris once told me "um, you know, I guess they just went out and won" when I asked him about the Holiday Bowl. You can tell he's still confused by it to this day.

Anyway, Brigham Young was an animal herder in the African foothills who went to America to make his way as a seller of goat horns, which he believed possessed magical powers. They did not, and his business failed spectacularly. Nevertheless, he had a university named after him because his ghost transports the team to and fro games. Fun fact: Ty Detmer actually owes his mortal soul to Mr. Young. Upon his death, Detmer will have to sit down and make macaroni necklaces with him until the sun dies.

Though BYU's lasting legacy will always be the porn series "Bring 'Em Young," they also spawned a spinoff school, named "Utah." This is the dumber, less funny, and generally-undeserving-of-it's-fame bastard child of schools in the state, like the "Joey" to BYU's "Friends."

Left: Utah's finest alumni, probably

In 2008, Michigan meets the Utah football team in the Big House to kick off the season. Apparently we played them in 2002, but nobody can recall the events. I wouldn't have known had it not been for my ticket stub being placed my bike spokes to make a cool engine sound effect. Reading up on it, their (former) douchebag coach called our crowd a symphony, and ironically we beat them 10-7 in a game less interesting than a Vivaldi concerto on quaaludes. This year, we expect a more interesting game if for no other reason than our team might suck, and we are so very, very scared of losing this game. Not that Michigan ever craps the bed in the opening game of the year against a non-BCS team.

WERE YOU AWARE: "Ute" is the Navajo word for the Latin "urinus equinus," or "horse piss" in English.

WERE YOU ALSO AWARE: Mormons don't believe in a space-god that nuked the world with 1950's-style bombers only to release their souls to inhabit this Earthly plane and invade our bodies as Thetans. That is ridiculous. No, they believe that a treasure-seeker named Joseph Smith found gold plates with messages from Jesus that only he could read by looking into a hat. They also believe Israel is Missouri, or something like that. I don't know exactly, because Joseph Smith was kicked out of a bunch of places. The point is, they do NOT believe in stupid shit like aliens. Who would believe such a thing? Stupid.

BUT DID YOU KN--: Yes, Alex Smith was the worst number one pick in the NFL draft history. Next topic.

PREDICTION READ FROM GOLD PLATES: Utah returns 14 starters to a team that beat Navy in a bowl game last year, and Navy HAD to have been good because they defeated Notre Dame. So that is scary. Plus they have a running QB. Yikes! Based on that, I'm inclined to believe that we will lose. But we won't, because Utah is Utah, and we're Michigan. Our defense will be great, it's in the Big House, and Utah sort of expects to win, which is batshit crazy. Plus, BYU fulfilled the state's "beat Michigan" quota for the next 180 years. See you bitches in 2164.

Michigan 23
Utah 17

Ta-dow MFRs.